Today is Pour Your Heart Out day with Shell from Things I Can't Say.
I had the special honor of becoming her 1000th follower yesterday which prompted a thank you email from her and a sweet email from Ian too! Am I special or what???
REMINDER: Be nice, people are pouring their hearts out here and there and everywhere!!!
Shell talked about marriage this week and it's been on my mind, so I wanted to talk about it too. Uncle Bubba made me really really really mad. I haven't spoken to him in more than a week. He refuses to apologize and I refuse to speak to him until he does, so we have issues. It's like a messican standoff but we don't have any messicans, only a city girl and a redneck....both hardheaded and strong willed. What's a girl to do? Shell believes you choose to love and make it work when you can and if you can't, you can't. I agree with her. For 18 years, we have made it work. We've had good times and bad ones and even worse than bad, but we've toughed it out. Maybe it's me, maybe it's him, who knows. I only know that typically, I sleep on it and I get over it, but I just can't right now. I need to hear "I'm sorry" and I need to know it's heart felt. Deep down, I know it will never happen, but I need that. Why should I give up what I need? Why should I make contact first? Why should I sacrifice what I want and need, yet again, so that our life goes back into balance? Some days, hell most fucking days, I'm ok with the life we have. It's not the best, but it's not the worst, and it's OURS and that is good. It's different than what most think is normal, but it works. But right now, I can't make that "he's a man, they don't apologize" concession for him, I can't forgive and forget, I can't move along. It's not even like what I'm pissed about is THAT big of a deal, but to me, this time, right now, it is HUGE, fucking HUGE and I can't get over it. I always say you can't help who you love. I love him. There are so many things that I need to say but if they won't be heard and listened to and appreciated, VALIDATED, I refuse to say them again.
I've rambled on and really made no point, but I needed to get this out of my head, so here it is. Mostly, my feelings are hurt, my heart is hurting, and I need something that I'm not getting from the one person who should be willing and able to give me what I need.