Friday, September 17, 2010

Miley is a HOT RAWKstar! (written by Miley)

OK y'all, Aunt Crazy has asked me to fill in for her while she's away which is FABULICIOUS! Yesterday you saw a guest blog by Jennifer Juniper, who happens to be one of my BFFs in real life. We've known each other since high school. So, when Aunt Crazy asked us to fill in for her, I get a message from Jenn to call her. I do and she says "We are RAWK STARS!" I said "duh". We've had this conversation lots in the last 10 years, Jenn...
BUT, since I have a blog and Jenn has a blog and since we get to share a brain sometimes, it's like double duty, ESPECIALLY when we talk about bloggy friends and bloggy things.
THEN she tells me we were asked to fill in for none other than Aunt Crazy! Oh holy smack me with a crawfish! 

A GUEST BLOG?! *gasp* We are so cool now.

I had to think really hard about what it was I wanted to tell y'all about. I mean, I have a completely insane life, I'm WAY too introspective, no job, too much school, two kids, a douchey ex husband and an ex boyfriend who... well... we're trying to be friends.

(this is relevant, promise)

I moved to Texas 4 years ago from Louisiana in a desperate attempt to save my marriage. Well, that didn't work out so well. 18 months later, we decided to get divorced. (2.5 years ago)
I was not an abused wife but I was beaten down emotionally which sucked. He told me he was ashamed to be seen in public with me because I was so fat. You know, things like that. It totally didn't help that my self esteem was crushed throughout middle and high school because I was 5'9" and curvy. The whole "I want a pencil thin short trixie bitch who will stab me with her hip when we bang" type girl was "it", not me.

THIS is me:

Maybe you can't tell but I'm a TINY bit thicker than the trixies.

Then, when you get divorced and you live in a strange town and your mommy isn't here and you only have one friend and you work for a tee tiny company, it's LONELY. Your self esteem suffers from these things.

I met the ex bf and he was just fine about the body stuff but things happened and I'm REALLY hard on myself, so it was emotionally tough throughout our relationship to maintain my self esteem. I don't blame him, just the situations we ended up in that caused the "lowlights".

Ex bf and I were together off & on for 2 years, finally ending things at the beginning of this year. Since then, I've felt pretty down. Who wouldn't? Plus, it's not like I've lost any weight since I got divorced, so I'm still apparently too fat to be seen in public with a douchebag. Then the whole "not many friends" stuff.

WELL... Guess what folks? 

I am a H-O-T-T-I-E! 
Can you believe it? I know I can't.

I don't know what it is but I am getting hit on left and right... I mean, people are hitting on me like Mohammed Ali! What is UP with that? This is a COMPLETELY foreign concept to me! 

Example, I had a summer class and some guy named Erik (who is my age) borrowed my notes. He offered to "meet up with me later" to bring them back and asked if maybe I wanted to study with him. My response? "oh, no, I'll be studying for my other class all weekend".

Stupid woman say WHAT?! I completely missed the fact that he was hitting on me. TOTALLY missed it. 

THEN, people in my other classes are hitting on me... and I'm noticing that people are looking at me. I mean, not JUST because I spill food on my shirt but LOOKING at me... you know, like how Slick Willy looked at Monica Lewinsky! It got a little awkward when the coach at the college couldn't stop staring at my boobs, or when the other teacher stuck his tongue out at me seductively after days of staring at my boobs (seriously, what's with that? I do NOT wear revealing clothes!)
I get when the "brothas" do it because I DO have this huge ghetto booty but the others? Completely foreign. I mean, whities just don't come near me. They want trixies!

My favorite, though, was this... This is a totally true story. This was my Tuesday morning.

I wake up, go to put in a new pair of contacts and my left eye rejects it. I clean it, rinse, try again. WORSE pain. I'm now doing the "holy fuck, get that fucking contact out of my fucking eye" dance (it's kinda like the peepee dance, only with more tears, more pain and a finger in your eye) and I FINALLY manage to scrape it off my eye. Serious pain here, my eye looks like I have the WORST case of pink eye EVER and I never get the contact in. I'm legally blind without 'em, so I have one eye that is now "stupid" because it can't see. I also think I scratched my eye getting the lens out of it.

I have kickboxing on Tuesday mornings. I take a shower right after so I generally don't shower Monday evenings/Tuesday mornings because I don't want my skin to get all dry. So, my hair was naaaasty! Plus, I hadn't even bothered to brush it yet because I was just going to put it in a bun for class anyway. I rolled out of bed, put on my workout clothes - including a shirt that should NEVER be worn in public - fight with and damage my eye, and head to the gas station for a giant bottle of water.

I got hit on.
Y'all, I kid you not, I got hit on HARD.

I'm walking out of the gas station and I hear "How married are YOU?"
I turn around. There is the budweiser delivery guy - TALKING TO ME!
"I just think you are GORGEOUS"

Me: (he's insane. mentally retarded. Blind?) "Oh, thanks."
Him: "Are you married?"
Me: "no, happily divorced. I gotta get to class"

(ok, there was a little bit more to it than that, but that was my line for "i'm not giving you my number")

The thing is, the guy was moderately attractive. And white.

I was WAY out of his league, though. I'm talking... WAY. And not just because of the way he looked or the way he was dressed or his hideous pickup line or the way he was looking at me... It was the way he spoke, the speech patterns and the words used. That with everything else... Everything in my body said "No, I'm WAY out of his league".

However, it was at that moment that I realized something.

I've never thought of myself as being way out of ANYONE's league before. Therefore, I am a hottie on the outside... but I finally know it on the inside.
OMIGOSH, I'm a H-O-T RAWKstar! 

Thanks for reading y'all!



  1. Truer words have never been spoken my friend.

    You are hot. Smoking hot.

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  3. You are a hottie (and I don't just say that because I saw pics of your ass) but your smile does speak mega buckets PLUS you've got that valley thing going on between the boobs (I'm jealous of the valley thing, if you know what I mean!)

  4. Mega buckets. LOL. There is a new mega saying.

  5. Holy smack me with a crawfish?? I love it. Plus, that may be my new favorite picture of you.

    We are RAWKstars.

  6. You are a hottie. I'd totally study with you, eat with you and even.. you know wake up with you...

  7. Wait a second. There are pictures of your ass?! And I haven't seen them?

  8. I've have done that contact dance, thank you very much.

    And you are a total hottie; glad you finally realized it :)