Wednesday, August 24, 2011

PYHO: Synergy

Linking up with Shell today for Pour Your Heart Out.



Her posts and the link ups are awesome and heartfelt and personal. If you can't be nice, click off!

Synergy…I learned about this in my first university class, way back in January of 2008 and to me, it means working together, cohesively, to produce the very best product, better even than a product that can be produced by the best member of the team, everyone’s best and worst is determined and the best of everyone is put together to PRODUCE THE BEST!!!

I want synergy in my life, with my family, my husband, my kids, my pets, my work, I want the best of all of it to just WORK. Why can’t the worst and the weakest parts of me and the others just be in the background of my thoughts? I don’t feel like I am part of any team, actually. I feel like I’m floating along, trying to fit in, trying to fit into something, somewhere, I want to fit.

Mom, wife, student, employee, pet owner, bill payer, something to everyone, EXCEPT to myself…I ask myself HOW this happens, but I know the answer, I allowed it, I encouraged it, it’s never ending and I accept my blame in that but I still want “more” but why and what exactly, is this elusive “more” that I crave? Is it just that synergy?

In my more clarifying moments, I can see, and I know, that I am something to myself, that I have self confidence in who I am and what I’m doing, but now, today, in these recent moments, I can’t seem to find ME in anything.

Cleaning up after puppies, teenagers, grown ass men that call themselves adult husbands, taking care of everything for everyone, it’s overwhelming and right now, today, in these recent moments, I don’t want to do it anymore.

I do not want to make appointments for “adults” and then fill out the paperwork for them, and then remind them to be there, and then give them directions, and THEN they either don’t show up or they ask me at the last minute to change it or go with them and tell the doctor what is wrong with them...seriously

I do not want to sweep the carpet of the paper towels or toilet paper that has been shredded by puppies, or clean their poop, or get onto them when they pee inside and run them outside as fast as I can and then chase them back home as they inevitably run for the pasture because it’s fun for them.

I do not want to remind a teen for the eleventy billionth time to get their backpack, lunch box, gym shoes, shut the door, get your keys, do you have your glove, bat, bag, etc...it's too hard.

I want to live alone, in peace, do what I want, when I want, how I want.

Synergy can’t be found alone though, a team is required to find it, and I do want that and I can’t do it alone, so for now, today, in these recent moments, AND in the future, I will keep moving forward because I know that my anxiousness will flow back into my happiness, as soon as I let it.

5 comments:

  1. It's working together though, and not feeling like you are doing it all. When I feel like that, I just want to be alone, too.

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  2. I think when we are caretakers everyone just takes advantage of that. Sometimes without even realizing it. When that happens I think it is up to us to put a halt to it all. We really can't do it all no matter how much we want to.

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  3. I think we all go through this on some level at some point. It's sort of cyclical... you find the synergy and then you lose it again. You know it will get better, but wading through the middle sometimes stinks. I hope you find something, even if it's small, that brings you some peace for the time being.

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  4. ACK. Sounds like you are Command Central for many people. Hoping they read this and realize that you really are only accountable for far less than you have been :)

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  5. I've come back here a half dozen times in the last couple days, trying to think of something helpful to say. Today I realized what you need.

    You need a wife.

    Bill

    (hang in there)

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